This Is Me

I am shy, but once I get to know you I can be very silly and very loud. This side comes out when I finally feel comfortable with you and It’s hard to get to that point with most people. This is because: I have a constant fear of not being enough, of not being what somebody needs, not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being skinny enough, and not being funny enough. I struggle with constant anxiety. I have a difficult time making friends, keeping friends, and moving on from them once they end. I struggle with making eye contact, with talking, and with making plans. I want to do all these things. I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good person. I want to be enough. But my anxiety keeps me from doing that.

So, to the people that I just met, the people I may meet, the random people that come into my work, or the new girls on my cheer team: I am not mean, I just appear standoff-ish because of my anxiety. I am constantly second guessing myself and it’s hard to introduce myself, talk to you, and/or be outgoing and fun. Also, to the people in my life currently I am sorry that this is who I am. I am sorry, but this is me. And although I may deal with this the rest of my life, I am working on it. I try everyday to make myself a better version.

I am trying and here’s how:

Every morning: I drink a glass of water, and I sit outside. I let the sun hit my face. I hear the birds chirping, I take it all in, and I think to myself; this is a good life.

I read and save positive quotes from Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, etc.

I try to focus on the good, rather than engulf in the bad.

I take drives, with the windows down, and music blaring.

I tell the important people in my life that I love them. Maybe too much at times.

One stress reliever for me is to clean. So I clean and clean and clean until I’m not so stressed anymore.

Another is when I sing. Singing, especially when I’m alone, is like therapy for me. When I find a song that I love, singing it helps me calm myself down.

On certain nights of the week, I like to pamper myself. I take a bath, shave my legs, do a face mask, maybe tweeze my eyebrows. I look in the mirror and I tell myself I am beautiful in all ways. My hair, my eyes, my stomach, my legs, my face, my chest, etc. I try so hard to view myself in the way that God and many others view me.

Every night before I go to bed I like to close my eyes and think about what went well in my day, what went wrong, and how I could have made it better. I also thank God for the life he has guided me through. I pray and I ask for guidance. I ask for signs and I ask for help.

To go along with Number 9; whether I’m in the shower, in my car, or in my room, I like to listen to worship music and just let out all of my emotions. Whether it’s happy or sad, afterward I feel stronger. I feel better and I feel powerful.

Although the anxiety follows me every day, I try to not let it consume me. These 10 things are simple, but make a huge difference in my life. I hope these may help some of you or give you ideas on how to better yourself. I hope that if any of you are going through this that you find comfort in knowing you are not alone. You will never be alone. You are strong enough, you are pretty enough, you are beautiful in the body that God gave you. He made you this way because He sees you in the way you wish to see yourself. Your life is precious. This is worth the fight. I promise.

Alyssa just moved from Indiana to Colorado last July. She is on the Loveland High School cheer team and is going to be a junior this year. She has three younger siblings and enjoys spending time with her friends and family as much as she can. She plans on finishing high school and then going to cosmetology school in the fall of 2021. You can follow Alyssa and her journey though life on her Instagram @alyssayaden!

Prayer:

Lord I just pray today that the words that Alyssa has written today speak to each person that reads this today. I pray that it encourages them and helps them know that the fight that they are fighting has a breakthrough and that that breakthrough is closer than they think. God you are incredible and I thank you for putting this Alyssa into my life when you did. Thank you for everything you have done and everything you will do. I love you. Amen