Befriending Process

I’m sure we’ve all heard the terms, “life is a journey,” or “life’s about the journey not the destination,” and these all sound like beautiful, inspirational concepts, but if I’m being completely real with you, I hated them for such a long time. Like many of our generation, we want instant, we don’t want to go through a process to see results, we don’t want to go through the journey it takes to get to our destination, we just want to be there, and we want to be there now.

I grew up in a household that knew the Lord, I knew Jesus, I was baptized when I was 11 by my own choice, and I loved God so much. Worship music was my solace in any circumstance. As I went through middle school, bullied with friends that talked about how much they didn’t like me behind my back, I felt that God was the only one that was really there.

High school came around and I moved to a different high school that had an arts specific program, I got into the program for my drawing; wanting to be an artist, I was going to take all the art classes. Then as I went to make my schedule there were zero art classes available, and my only option for an arts elective was choir… so with everything inside of me so nervous to do it I signed up for choir.

When I was little I sang all the time, told my parents I wanted to be in Phantom of the Opera or The Little Mermaid and I was going to grow up to be a singer, but along the way of life I let fear grip me and take that dream away and I forgot that it even existed. All I knew was that singing? Nope. No way you could make me do it. But here I am, freshman year of high school, basically forced into choir, and the first day of class, as I’m already basically shaking like a chihuahua that hasn’t peed in ten days, just being there, the teacher has us split up and sing ONE AT A TIME IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS… UM, I’M SORRY WHAT? NO WAY! I AM SO NOT DOING THAT! But unfortunately, I couldn’t think of any clever excuse to run away, so I had to, and I did, and that was step one to the most amazing adventure God had planned for me, and I didn’t even know it.

Throughout high school I kept singing, my sophomore year I told my friends that I thought I was going to grow up and write worship music and be a worship leader, they laughed at me because my voice was still pretty mousy and honestly it was a long shot, but deep down it felt like that was what I was supposed to do.

I lost that dream or let it lay dormant in the lower depths of my heart along with my passion for Jesus and I became obsessed with musical theatre, and that seemed to be it. It was the first thing in my life that clicked, it made sense, it was all of me, acting, singing, dancing, all of it, all I ever wanted to do in one thing, and for the first time I was popular in a group of people, and I just thought that this must be it. This must be my life’s calling. I have to do this.

Right after I graduated high school I headed straight to the big apple. After growing up in a small town in the middle of nowhere, I decided of course to move to the biggest city in the middle of EVERYTHING.

Here was my plan; I was going to be an actor, I was going to be famous, and it was only going to take me two years of school and then like some waitressing and then BAM I’d be the next Jennifer Lawrence… realistic right?

Well right before I left for New York that dream came back, it resurfaced. As I was about to embark on this huge adventure “all alone” I felt that loving, gentle tug from God, the one I had somewhat forgotten, and I remembered my dream to be a worship leader, to write music that would impact this world for God. But I still felt so strongly like I needed to go to New York, I felt like it was still part of His plan.

I was doing research to see if maybe there was a worship school I could go to in New York like Hillsong, and while there wasn’t a school, there was a Hillsong New York location only eleven blocks away from the school I would be attending. I met up with my drama teacher and asked her what to do, if I should go to New York despite the deep feeling that I wasn’t going to be an actress anymore and that I was supposed to lead worship, if I should stay home, if I should go attend Hillsong College in Australia, I was a week out from leaving and all of a sudden, I didn’t know if my plans were going to workout and that was

FREAKING.

ME.

OUT.

But my teacher said something that stuck with me (literally I have it tattooed on my side). She said, “everything happens for a reason,” and I knew she was right. I didn’t have to know what would happen, I just had to find out. I had to embark on the journey.

So I went. I left for New York and once I got there, I began experiencing everything that was not in my plans.

First of all, I got there and my voice went away completely, I couldn’t talk and I definitely couldn’t sing. I got to school and auditioned for these singing classes they were offering and had no voice. I was ridiculed and called out every day for my voice being too weak and constantly felt like I had already failed and it was only month one in. I felt alone, I felt homesick, and I felt like a failure. I had no voice, the one thing I loved to do, I couldn’t do, I couldn’t sing in my room or sing along with my friends, I could barely even get a word out to anyone.

One day, a girl approached me inviting me to go to Hillsong with her one weekend and I knew that I had to. My longing for the relationship for God I once had was burning inside me and I was in such a low spot that I had to be with Him. Here I was in a big city all alone, and I needed the One who would never leave me.

That weekend I went with her to Hillsong, I hadn’t been able to sing for two weeks now but I opened my mouth to worship despite how my voice would sound. I just wanted so badly to be with God again; as I opened my mouth, out came my voice, and not the weak and powerless one, but the one that was strong and bold and full. My voice came out. As I worshipped my voice grew more and more and I was in complete astonishment over what the Lord was doing, and in that moment I heard Him speak to me, speak to the very depths of my heart so clearly, “this is what I called you to do,” and I knew. He was right. I wasn’t supposed to be an actor. I was supposed to be leading His loved ones into worship with Him. Of course my voice would be gone and only come back for this moment. I had to see it, I had to feel this, and God knew that I was too stubborn to listen to Him until He made it obvious to me.

As soon as worship ended my voice was gone again, I went back to school and went to all my classes, went on with my days with no voice. Now I knew that I wasn’t here at school for acting but I still felt that I needed to finish out the year, and day by day the year got harder and harder, and it took everything in me to finish the year. At a point I wondered why I was still there, why wasn’t I home, why wasn’t I leaving to go to school for worship, but I felt for some reason that God wanted me to finish this out, and at that time one of my teachers said something that has always stuck with me and is what led me to write this blog.

She said, “It’s a process, it is not about a destination, but about the journey we take to getting there. You will never truly know what your journey looks like, so just take each moment as it comes and learn to enjoy it. Become friends with the process.”

Become friends with the process.

Be friends with the process.

Befriend process.

I came home a couple months later after the year had finished off, my year had been anything but what I had expected it to be, the process was tiresome, grueling, and I was left with so much hurt in my heart that I couldn’t make sense of.

Well, it’s been two years now since I came back home from New York City and I thought coming home meant the end to my journey, little did I know that God was so not done with me yet.

Through that year I faced some of my hardest trials and everything from it has been beautifully unexpected. I’m home now, leading worship alongside beautiful friends, writing music with them. I traveled to Australia to be part of the live recording for the new album our church was releasing, and as I stood there and sang in front of hundreds of people I was reminded of our God’s goodness. That when I stood in a place all alone in the middle of New York City, I was never alone, He was there with me, and we were dreaming of moments like this. And as I stood there in front of all these people, He reminded me, “this is just the beginning,” and it’s true.

This is just the beginning. Wherever you are. Whatever you’re going through, this isn’t it. You’re not at your destination yet, whether it be good, whether it be bad, fun, easy, painful, hard, whatever it is you’re facing, God isn’t finished with you yet. You haven’t arrived at your destination yet, you’re on the journey, you’re in the process.

I had to let go of my expectations, my plans, my need to know everything, and the second I did, the more God has been able to come in and work in my life, and His plans for us our so much better than any plan we could ever dream for ourselves.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

Here’s the thing about God’s plans.

He has many plans, because He knows that while He may guide us, it’s our choice to follow Him, and sometimes we may miss a step, or sway a little off course. But He is with us there. Every step.

He never leaves our side, and He works every path out for our good.

He has so many plans, so many journeys for us, but they all lead to the same destination.

A lifelong journey that ends in an eternity with Him.

So get lost in the journey.

Become friends with the process of living.

Lay down your expectations and let God guide your steps.

I never knew I would be where I am today. I never knew the purpose behind each step. But little by little, I have seen the working of God’s glory and grace in my life, and I have learned to fall in love with the journey and befriend the process of learning, loving, and living with Jesus.

I stumble.

I fall.

I make mistakes.

But our God meets us exactly where we are and never leaves us behind.

He has mighty plans for your life.

Let Him take you on the journey to discovering them.

Befriend the process.

Let go of the fear and watch God do the unimaginable.

Savannah has been in my life for exactly 365 days today. We both like to say that we are so far beyond being just friends that we are more like sisters. She is someone that everyone she knows can always count on to be there for them supporting them and championing them through anything and everything they take on in their lives. Earlier this year (February to be specific) she got the opportunity to fly to Brisbane, Australia and sing in the recording of the new Citipointe Live album (release date is August 1st!). She spends her days writing songs of her own that she is going to be putting on an album of her own and doing everything she can to bring a smile to every face that she encounters! This girl is powerful, inspiring, skilled in way more than one way, brilliant, called to do incredible things none of us can even fathom, loving, not to mention she has the voice of an actual angel, and absolutely stunning inside and out. I am so excited to see where God takes her and what He has planned for her. I love this girl with all of my heart and there is nothing that could ever take her place in my heart or life for that matter.

Prayer:

Papa, I just thank you today for putting Sav into my life. You know how much she means to me and I am so thankful for her friendship. I pray that every single person that reads this blog today and in the days to come would be encouraged and lead to befriend the process and let go of what they think their life is going to look like and simply trust that you will forever and always have their best interests in mind. God I just ask that you would bring an abundance of people into contact with Sav so that they can know and experience truly how you love us and care so deeply for us no matter what craziness is going on around us. I thank you for giving Sav such a ginormous heart and for giving her a testimony like no other. I thank you for everything you have ever done and I thank you even more for all the things you are yet to do. We love you so so so much. Amen